#it feels like some people only watched the video “Every time Peri speaks in a New Wish

[wonderfull-star]

“Peri truly cares about Dev”.

Can you even imagine how absurd this actually sounds? No, it certainly doesn't mean he doesn't care at all (after all, this is his first godkid). But certainly not to the point of "truly" caring.

Or do such people really consider Peri, who is literally obsessed with rules, sometimes completely forgetting about Dev and not even so empathetic, to be truly caring? Okay?

This new show is only a few months old and already it has its own "fanon" and "canon". Okay, I'll start.

Fanon Peri after the finale: I mIsS mY gOdKiD and want to go back to him because I care about him so much!!11! 😭

And I hate Dale with all my magic guts 😡

Canon Peri after the finale:*farting bike sounds*

[mintypineapple]

dw ask game 1-36 and 38-100 DON'T ANSWER NUMBER 37 I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT CRYING

DaThanks, anon who is probably @truestoriesaboutme!

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

Depends. What do you consider a child? I saw Doctor Who for the first time when I was 16 or 17. Does that count? Let’s say that it does. I did enjoy it.

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

16.

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

An Unearthly Child. I wanted to watch it all in order! Still do! My first New Who episode was “Blink,” as forced upon me by @raisegrate. I did enjoy it.

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I didn’t at the time, but I do now. I have a couple of screwdrivers, a Fourth Doctor, an Ice Warrior, and not-quite-Legos of Doctors 1-11. (-WD)

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

N/A.

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

N/A. Nothing scares me.

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

N/A. I get all jokes/stories.

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

That the only way to watch it was from the very beginning. I eventually gave in and watched New Who before finishing Classic Who.

9. Who introduced you to DW?

Pretty sure I heard about it initially on a forum I went to called The Douglas Adams Continuum. That’s when I started watching the First Doctor. Again, @raisegrate showed me my first New Who. Eventually, I started watching New Who in its entirety with @catastrofries and they started watching Classic Who with me for @rassilonwatchathon.

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

Didn’t even know it existed as a child. But I liked it as an adult.

Read more under the cut. There’s a lot!

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

One. He’s the first I saw and I’ve went through some of his more than once, due to the podcast, so he has a special place in my heart.

12. Your favourite Doctor?

It varies depending on the day. I quite like Two, Eleven, and Twelve, though.

13. Least favourite Doctor?

Possibly 5 or 13? More because they don’t get a whole lot to do, than them being bad.

14. Best regeneration?

Technically speaking, there’s something about that first one that is still so good. Emotionally speaking, Two’s regeneration is terrifying and I quite like Twelve’s speech before regenerating.

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

Yeah! They’re all pretty good! Even “Love and Monsters!” Yeah, I said it! (The end is bad, but the rest is good.)

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

One calls himself human a handful of times. Does that count? If not, definitely Five. He seems the most like a regular guy in a weird situation out of all of them.

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

The Day of the Doctor, for sure.

18. Best Doctor monologue?

Eleven’s speech to young Amy in “The Big Bang.” That episode is just solid all around.

19. What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

He’s definitely fucked off somewhere and abandoned Rose. He runs a cat cafe that is definitely a front for something, but no one can quite figure out what.

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

One/Barbara, Two/Jamie, Three/Jo, Four/Leela, Five/Tegan, (haven’t seen enough of Six, any of Seven, and I honestly don’t remember the companion for Eight), Nine/Rose (that’s the only option!), Ten/Donna, Eleven/Amy-Rory, Twelve/Clara, Ruth/Thirteen.

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Classic Who: This is hard. Jamie? Sarah Jane? Leela? New Who: Donna Noble.

22. Favourite secondary companion?

Not sure what this means exactly... My second favorite? If so, I gave three for favorite Classic Who, so one of them. New Who: Rory.

23. Least favourite companion?

Classic: Ben Jackson or Peri. New: Ryan.

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Classic: Two, Jamie, and Zoe. New: Eleven, Amy, and Rory.

25. Most underrated companion?

I love Steven Taylor. I feel like he doesn’t get mentioned enough.

26. Most overrated companion?

Probably gonna get some hate for this, but Romana II. She’s good and I like her, but I was expecting a lot more. I honestly prefer Romana I.

27. Favourite companion’s family?

I love Rory’s dad.

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

Kamelion. AM I RIGHT? But seriously, Amelia Rumford from “The Stones of Blood.”

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy/Rory.

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

I hated Tegan when she first came on, but now I love her.

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

“Heaven Sent.”

32. Least favourite episode?

“Time-Flight” gave me a literal headache.

33. Which episodes do you skip?

NONE. Of course, I’ve not done any rewatches. YET.

34. Best two-parter?

“The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances” are the first New Who episodes that fully sold me on the show.

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

Give me the future and make it weird!

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

“The Myth Makers.”

37 HAS BEEN REDACTED.

38. Best run of episodes?

“Vincent and the Doctor” through “Day of the Moon” is pretty solid.

39. Best cliffhanger?

“Vengeance on Varos.” Hands fucking down.

40. Favourite Christmas special?

The answer to question 37. “A Christmas Carol.”

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

Yes please! (Though New Who will take this a little just because the pace is generally a lot better.)

42. Favourite series?

I’m not sure about Classic (I have a harder time thinking of them as different series), but New is definitely 5.

43. Least favourite series?

11.

44. Which series do you skip?

See 33.

45. Favourite series opening?

“The Eleventh Hour.” It’s just a lot of fun.

46. Favourite series finale?

“The Big Bang.” IT’S A GOOD SERIES.

47. Best series arc?

So I don’t sound repetitive and say Series 5 again, Clara’s arc in her last season is great.

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I find it largely boring and not well-written. Though there are some things I like! I love Ruth a bunch.

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

I’ve seen from “An Unearthly Child” to “The Two Doctors.” And the movie.

50. Who should have had another series?

Doctor: Nine. Or Eight. Or Ruth. Companion: Kamelion, but done better.

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

I love them Fuzzy Chicken Nuggets. (The Yeti.)

52. Most creative monster?

The Silence are an interesting concept.

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

OAK AND QUILL from “Fury From the Deep.” Fuck those guys.

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

I hate power level questions. Next.

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

I get really tired of the Daleks sometimes, y’all.

56. Monster you want to return?

Chumblies or quarks.

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

The writing. You can do great things with most of them. Even the ones you dislike. Like, I hate the farting aliens, but they are occasionally used well.

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

If I had to pick, I’d say... Cybermen. Daleks are very samey and loud. Weeping Angels get less interesting every time they are used. But there’s a human element to the Cybermen that, when utilized, can be very effective and unsettling.

59. Best Dalek story?

The one where Two rides around on ones he made nice.

60. Best one time villain/monster?

I don’t know what it is, but whatever it is in “Midnight.”

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA is more consistent, but the highs of Torchwood are higher.

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

Owen. But like... not season one Owen.

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

See 62.

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

I haven’t rewatched anything yet. But I would rewatch COE before MD.

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Clyde.

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

Mr. Smith is way more interesting. He had a villain arc!

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani.

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Some. I’m doing them as Patreon bonus episodes for @rassilonwatchathon​. I haven’t done much though.

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

“The Chimes of Midnight.” I’ve listened to it twice.

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

I do DW analysis for @rassilonwatchathon AND The Dipp. So yes. My fave is TARDIS Eruditorum, though.

I’LL ANSWER THE REST AT A LATER TIME. I MUST BE WITH MY PEOPLE NOW.

[lolimnotfunnydude]

I recently had the opportunity to video chat with a third grade class from the United States about my time in Botswana and my new home. The students read a book about a little girl in Botswana, and it just made sense that they have the opportunity to chat with someone who really lives there.

Here are the questions they asked me, and the answers to those questions:

Is school free?

Besides a school fee which is reduced for almost all students, 12 years of free education are guaranteed for each and every single student in Botswana. The school fee is supposed to cover things like the school uniform. Lodging for boarding students (most schools in Botswana are boarding schools, as they accommodate students who do not live in the village in which the school is placed) as well as food for both lodging and non-lodging students are both free. They are not an extra cost for families.

What days do you go to school?

Monday-Friday. The same as in the United States! I do spend some days at the clinic or social worker’s office, though. Additionally, the Junior Secondary Schools do not run on a 5 day schedule. The time table at my school is 6 days long. I teach on days 2 and 4, so different days of the week every week.

Classrooms at my Junior Secondary School.

How many hours a day do children go to school? What months of the year do they go to school?

This first question depends on what year of schooling a child is in. Reception, which is the equivalent of preschool and kindergarten, is incredibly short. Standards 1-3, which are the equivalent of Grades 1-3, end around 12:30pm and start at 7:30am. Standards 4 and 5 end around 3pm, and 6 and 7 end sometime around 4 depending on how close in the year we are to exams.

I work at a Junior Secondary School with Form 1-3 students, which are the equivalent of 8th-10th graders. They have class from 7:30am to 4:30pm, with an additional study hour in the morning and in the evening. After school clubs and athletics run from 4:30-5:30pm.

The school year in Botswana is split into three terms which span the entire year. They do not have a two month break during the summer like schools in the United States. First term began on January 9th, and runs until April 13th. Term two starts the first week of May and ends on July 13th. Term three starts on August 6th and ends on November 30th, with a quick break in September.

Are there tvs in Botswana?

Yes! Television is actually a very important tool for socialization in Botswana. When I was in Pre-Service Training, I sat down and watched television—specifically BTV, Botswana’s government television station—every single day during dinner. Families often gather in front of the tv for hours every night to watch soap operas from South Africa and India. You will find people talking about those shows the same way Americans talk about their favorite shows.

Does Botswana have technology, video games, and iphones?

The short answer is yes. These things do definitely exist in Botswana. Whether they are readily available and accessible to the average Motswana is a different story. Everyone I know in Botswana has a phone, but not everyone has a smart phone. Even fewer have iphones, simply because they cost exorbitant amounts and are easy to break. They cannot withstand some of the harsher climates in Botswana. Android accessories like chargers and phone cases are super easy to find anywhere, as they use the same chargers as brick phones (which are used very similarly to Trac Phones, if anyone remembers those).

Most families do not own their own computer. In fact, I have yet to meet someone who owns their own computer. But every institution—school, clinic, NGO, social worker’s office, police office, tribal office—has computers. Tools like emails are not used particularly frequently, and wifi is not widely available in smaller villages. Batswana are not totally disconnected, though. People can buy monthly plans for their phones which include social media sites and apps like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Whatsapp. The connection in my village is pretty poor, so usually I am only truly able to use Whatsapp, but it fits all of my needs.

Do you have video games in Botswana?

I have not seen anyone play video games, and I have not seen any video game consoles. I would assume that they exist, though, as I have seen almost every form of technology available in the U.S. here, but I would also assume that they are not purchased or used frequently.

What type of food do you eat?

I did not have a fridge for the past four months, so I was eating a lot of rice and canned beans. I also ate canned vegetables which soaked for probably too long in a brine I really did not appreciate. This was incredibly difficult, but I am proud and excited to say that I just recently received a fridge! I am excited to start using it and getting back to a semi-normal diet.

What are the traditional foods of Botswana?

The traditional foods of Botswana are delicious, let me tell you. Much of it consists of meat and a kind of starch with tiny amounts of vegetables tossed in when appropriate. One of my favorites is called paletshe; it is very similar to grits, but the granules are small enough that the texture ends up being somewhat reminiscent of mashed potatoes. There are other types of starches made from maize and sorghum as well, like sampete and bogobe. Two of the vegetable dishes include a mix of beans and spices called dinawa, and cut spinach (or bean leaves, or a vegetable called rape) sautéed with carrots and onion called morogo.

A fancy version of traditional Tswana food. Chakalakah is on the top left, morogo on the top right, paletshe on the middle left, and the rest of the food should be recognizable.

Do you guys have watermelon?

There are, in fact, watermelons in Botswana. Botswana has a large variety of fruit, including several types of melons, papaya, mango, amarula (which is used to make several types of alcohol, and is even a favorite of elephants despite its tendency to ferment in their stomachs and cause them to get drunk), among others. Avacado, pineapple, apples, oranges, lemons, etc, are also all available at stores.

Does Botswana have McDonald’s? Have any of them had cheeseburgers?

Sadly, no. I found this very surprising, as I had assumed that McDonald’s had reached nearly every country in the world. But alas, I was wrong. There is a McDonald’s close to the southern border of Botswana in South Africa, but I live nowhere near the southern border, so it is not accessible for me whatsoever. I do look forward to eating at one again, though; I think this is the longest period of time I have gone in my entire life without doing so.

And yes to the second question. While there is not a single McDonald’s, Botswana is a country which runs heavily on tourism. A lot of tourists are from countries in which citizens eat hamburgers, so a lot of lodges and restaurants have hamburgers. I have yet to eat one that is of the quality I want it to be, but they are certainly not bad.

Another important thing to note is that Botswana does have KFC—Kentucky Friend Chicken. Most chain restaurants here primarily sell fried chicken. We have Chicken Licken, KFC, Hungry Lion, and Nando’s. Peri peri sauce, the popularity of which rose from Nando’s, is everywhere. One of my favorite snacks in Botswana is a chicken peri peri pie that I can get at most grocery stores. It is marvelous.

Do they have snow?

Botswana does not have snow anywhere. None of the altitudes are high enough, and even though the desert gets cold at night and the south can get very cold in the winter, it is never cold enough to snow. The temperatures—both hot and cold—just feel more intense because of the lack of heating and cooling systems within the houses.

What sport do the people of Botswana like the most?

Batswana love to play and watch sports. My perception is that both football (soccer) and netball are incredibly popular. Netball is basketball without the back board—just the net. But volleyball and track and field activities are also very popular. Students love any opportunity to run around and have fun, and adults love the opportunity to network, gossip, and blow off some steam. Sports games are community events, and they really build a sense of comradery.

  A PCV versus locals football (soccer) game during Pre-Service Training.

Do people in Botswana play football?

They do not play the American version of football. They do, however, play soccer, which they call football.

Do the people talk differently?

In terms of speaking another language, yes. In terms of having a different accent and using, technically and linguistically, another version of English, yes. Their accent includes rolled r’s, long a’s, etc. The most widely used language in the country is Setswana, although most schooling is supposed to be instructed in English. First languages can also include Sembukushu, Sekgalagadi, Sekalanga, Seyeyi, Afrikaans, Naro, etc. So many languages are spoken in Botswana that I could not possibly list them all.

What language are your books in?

Most books available in Botswana were written in English. Some are available in Setswana, and in some cases, there are books available in tribe-specific languages. For instance, there is a linguistics group in D’Kar working on translating books both into Naro and into Setswana and English from Naro.

My school and I are working on requesting more books in English to help encourage students to read and work on their English literacy. All standardized testing is done in English, and our students are lagging behind. They speak Sembukushu in their homes and then are forced to learn English and Setswana concurrently. It can be very difficult—especially because most of the teachers do not know Sembukushu. Teachers are government employees, so they are part of something called the transfer system. In order to prevent corruption, all government employees must transfer jobs and villages every 5 years. Teachers often end up in villages all the way across the country from their spouses and loved ones.

What holidays do people celebrate, and when are they?

People in Botswana are, for the most part, Christian. There is a small population of Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist people, but the vast majority are Chrstians. They thus celebrate the same religious holidays as those Christians do in the United States; they might not celebrate them the exact same way, though. Other holidays exist for pretty much the same reasons as those in the United States. Botswana has an independence day—Boipuso—a day to celebrate the first president, and others.

Do people have parades with animals for holidays?

People do not have parades with animals. The relationship between Batswana and animals is quite complex. Wild animals are protected very effectively through legislation and through intense animal reserve border controls. The country is totally against poaching, and has enacted measures which fine people intensely or even allow military to shoot people on sight if they violate certain rules regarding wild animals. Domestic animals are not treated with the same reverence. They are able to wander around wherever, and you can often find children or adults throwing sticks or rocks at them. They simply do not have the same emotional importance as pets in the United States. They are a nuisance to many people, as they are an extra food and space burden. It is understandable despite how long it has taken me to accept that treatment.

What are some types of animals in Botswana?

Botswana is really cool. It has a super large variety of animals, from squirrels and mongoose to elephants, lions, and leopards. Botswana has the largest wild elephant population in the entire world. I also think Botswana might have one of the highest donkey populations in the world, but I have no tangible proof of that. There are just a lot of donkeys. Wild animals are not restricted to game reserves, though. There are baboons all over the capital city and surrounding villages. A child was recently killed by an elephant in the village next to mine. Another child was killed by a lion just a few hours from my village. Wild animals live everywhere around the delta, and it can be a huge problem for the humans who also live around the delta. They thus have a healthy fear and respect for such animals.

What is the time difference between Botswana and the U.S.?

The time difference currently is 7 hours. In the spring, when the U.S. “springs forward”, the time difference will be 6 hours.

What is the population of Botswana?

The population of Botswana is approximately 2 million. It has one of the lowest populations per square mile on the African continent. While the country itself is around the size of Texas, its population is much smaller. Manpower can be a struggle for community mobilization and other initiatives. Sometimes there just are not enough people. Most of the population is concentrated in the South, South East, and North East regions of the country. Those are where the two cities lie, and where a lot of expatriates live.

What kind of clothes do you wear?

I wear formal business attire to school every single day. The workplace is quite fancy, and women often wear heels several inches tall to work. Your outward appearance is meant to display the respect you have for the people around you; it is not meant as a form of artistic or personal expression. I do own some clothes I had tailored for me in African prints, but I do not wear them super often. In the workplace, people primarily wear Western-style clothing. Non-government workers are more likely to wear clothes we typically think of when we think of the African continent. Botswana is hot, and a Tswana-style dress allows for a lot more air flow than a button down shirt and pencil skirt.

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Q+A: From the mouths of babes I recently had the opportunity to video chat with a third grade class from the United States about my time in Botswana and my new home.

[commonplacebook912]

Common Place Reflection

The power of stories and the view of society have both had impacts during everyone’s lifetime. Throughout the course there were many subjects and themes that we reviewed. I found the material we covered to be very intriguing and throughout our time in class I was able to spot a few key themes that I thought I could talk about throughout the course. Two of them being the influence of stories and their connection to people as well as how women are sometimes skeptically seen in society. There are many readings we did that surrounded these topics such as the main texts we read, many of the assignments, and TED talks that we were assigned throughout the semester.

One of the big questions I asked myself while writing my commonplace book was how stories would influence and change people’s lives. When taking this into consideration I found some key quotes along with some pictures that gave me a more keen understanding of this question then I already knew and it helped me connect to parts of the semester. One of the posts I made with the picture that says “how storytelling affects the brain” connects to the main character Peri of the book Three Daughters of Eve written by Elif Shafak. Stories often would affect the way a person feels and thinks which was a mindset that the character in the story felt. She would be told by her mother and father about contradictions of how to view God. The father saying she shouldn't believe what she can’t see herself and her mother declaring that God is real and that they should believe in him. Wanting to please both parents she began to have mixed thoughts of what to believe. This is one of the examples where the idea of the influence of others' stories can change how a person thinks. It's because of both sides' influence that causes Peri to have conflicting thoughts. Another time that a situation in one of the books came up on this topic was in one of my posts where I have an image from BibleVerseImages.com. Situations connecting to this subject appear in the book Under the Udala Trees by Chinelo Okparanta. This is seen in the time of war, where the main character's mother would tell her that they should continue praying to God because He will eventually answer their call. It was the time of war and the daughter needed something to hold on to during the tough time which caused her to latch on to the thought of a greater being that would answer her wish. It caused her to begin to believe this idea so she would continue to pray every day hoping for the war to end. I feel this connects to the idea of influence of stories because if someone is told something enough and the surrounding encourages that thought it will convince that person to start believing the same way.  

Besides the books there are a few times where I have posts on TED talks that are relative to this idea. One of my posts with a quote by Iyanla Vanzant I talk about how many of the TED talks affect the way we live our lives through the stories of others. It connects in this way because many of the people who host these talks discuss life experiences and show how they changed. By sharing the stories between ourselves and others it helps us think of each other and helps us be more aware of incidents around us. I feel this connects in a way because each other's story would influence the way we think and help us reform ourselves from the influence of other experiences. Another post I made that connects to this subject is the picture that has a checklist. I feel that this connects to one of the TED talks we watched called “The Dangers of a Single Story” by Chimamanda Adichie through her discussion on how people expected her and other people of her same ethnic group to act a certain way because of stories people heard about her place of origin and appearance. By listening to stories about different places or different types of people I believe it would drive others to believe that if it is stated in a text or an interesting tale, it would cause them to agree and trust that what is said is correct. Another post that I feel connects to this topic is the one where it says “Change your story, change your life”. I mainly thought this was important because it symbolized how one hearing a story can change one's life. This is connected to a TED talk by Isabel Allende where she talks about how a passionate heart is important and how many of the other people who also carried flags during the Olympics with her had some tough backstories about their past. It shows how hearing something that encourages oneself can make someone drive and change themselves. When thinking about another post I decided to make one with a  picture where a girl is disappearing. I discuss how stories can have impacts in a positive and negative way and how it connects to what Dalia Mogahed said when giving her TED talk. She discussed how incidents that happened in the past caused problems because of how people looked at Muslims after terrorist attacks. I felt it displayed how actions of a group of people can affect the way others would look at a greater group of individuals. The impact of stories does not only bring change in positive ways but also negative as well. For one of the posts I decided to reblog another student's daily Common book weekly entry. I felt it mentioned important parts about the influence of stories. How when hearing a story it can allow people to make a personal connection to themself making the story more than what it already is - explaining how a single story can change a person's way of thought. In the post with the quote by Ann Curry, it talks about why stories get created and the effect of them. This subject connects to many of the assignments and TED talks that we covered in class. In the assignments they tell stories to make people have different views on specific ideas and stories are also told to inform other people about experiences or incidents in the past. These stories change the ideas of those who don't like to speak out. Stories do have an impactful effect on people's life, however there are still many other factors that have an effect as well.

While there are many parts of the readings we did that relate to the influence of story’s I also saw other subjects such as how people would view women in society. I started writing this subject with a post that has a quote related to women’s veils. When writing the post it reminded me of the annotation we did on the story of “Do Muslim Woman Really Need Saving” by Lila Abu Lughod. In the story she described that when she visited Afghanistan she noticed women were forced to wear a burqa to cover their bodies so men wouldn’t feel attracted to them. It was this big part that made me believe it connected to the topic of women being treated differently in public by having to do something instead of the other way around. While veils are one of the ways women are held to a different standard, there is another example I made where it shows multiple hands surrounding a woman. In the assignment for annotating “Mapping The Margins'' the author discusses the differences and how people are seen based on gender, color, and class. I felt that it would connect to the subject through the bias she talks about how gender is a key factor in social rules. The skeptical view of women plays a bigger role in society than people think.

Overall the two themes of the influence of stories and how women can be viewed in society can be seen in many sources. While these themes usually appear in readings or speeches that you might hear, they also appear in media such as video games or TV. There are many different types of things that can influence the way people think as well as how they view different ideas.

[mikie925]

Our Inevitability

A short little fic I wrote over the weekend inspired by Dark_Mage_of_Ylisse’s story on AO3 titled Nobody Loves You The Way I Do. I love the idea of Yandere!Lapis, so I couldn’t resist trying my hand at it. Don’t be afraid to tell me I suck!

Check out her interactive blog for the story too! It absolutely makes my day! @su-mafia-yandere-lapidot-au-blog 

How did it end up like this?

Hair disheveled, fingers twitching, and shoulders hunched, Peridot curled into a ball on her single bed in the darkness of her room. She had her alien printed blanket wrapped tightly around her like a cocoon; a barrier between her and the harsh, indescribably complicated world outside. It gave her some physical comfort, but did not help to ease the raging hurricane of thoughts swirling in her head.

It's got to be a joke.

Really, it had to be. There was no way any of what Peridot had heard was real. It was just some silly joke she was fussing unnecessarily about.

She seemed so serious though...

Peridot's day had started out very common. She ate breakfast with her mother, showered and dressed in her usual green hoodie, rode her little moped to school, met up with her friends, and went to class. It was the typical day of a junior in Beach City High, and Peridot was very content for it to be so. She was never a fan of unpredictability. She lived her life with certainty and accuracy. She knew what she wanted, and worked hard for it. Monotony was not something she would let get in her way.

Her friends helped with said monotony, their antics and lively discussions keeping her entertained enough to bear through the dullness of school life. They were the best people she could ever ask to have around. Her friends and fellow juniors Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet, the freshman Steven, and her best friend, Lapis, who was a senior.

Lapis in particular had been particularly delightful. They had met in Peridot's freshman year, quickly becoming close after Peridot noticed Lapis' wonderful drawings and complimenting her on them. Lapis at first seemed a little hesitant to open up to Peridot, but thanks to Peridot's incessant and at times quirky nature, Lapis cracked. The two had been inseparable ever since.

The only problem was that none of her other friends seemed to like Lapis, other than Steven who liked everyone without fail. When Peridot had introduced Lapis to the group, they had been cordial and open to the idea of adding her into the fold, only to reject her a few days later. They all tried advising her to stay away from Lapis, much to Peridot's shock. When she tried questioning them as to why they thought Lapis wasn't a good person to be around, they all immediately went tight-lipped. To this day she couldn't get them to explain why they were so wary of her friend. Only that they disapproved of her relationship with her.

This, of course, did not stop Peridot from hanging out with Lapis as much as possible. As stated before, Peridot knew what she wanted and would not let it get away from her so easily, and she most definitely wanted to be Lapis' friend... if not a little more eventually...

Much to her groups' chagrin, Peridot and Lapis were practically glued at the hip. Peridot would always meet up with her friends at the school gates, and then find Lapis waiting for her at the main entrance. They only had two classes together throughout the day, but Lapis would always somehow find a way to meet Peridot just as the bell rang and walk her to her next class. They had lunch together, free period together, and would always be partners in any type of group project in their classes. They shared their hopes, dreams, and almost every thought in their heads. They would spend the night at each other's' house during the weekends and cuddle while watching TV or playing video games.

They were, by all intents and purposes, best friends.

Peridot would easily contribute most of her happiness to Lapis, and had hoped to one day maybe tell her as such. But as much as they shared together, Peridot kept that her little secret. She wasn't ready to confess her feelings to Lapis just yet, she'd told herself. One day she would, but she had needed time to prepare.

Little did she know she would never be prepared for what was to come.

As her day had carried on and she followed her usual routine, she noticed something odd about Lapis' behavior. When they met in the morning she seemed a bit clingier, letting their hug linger a little longer than usual. Peridot hadn't minded, but did indeed notice Lapis reluctance to let go. After first period passed Lapis seemed anxious for Peridot to come out of the classroom as she bounced from foot to foot. As they walked Lapis kept brushing their hands together, as if wanting to hold it, making Peridot blush. During their first class together Peridot could feel Lapis continuously staring at her, only turning away whenever Peridot glanced back at her.

It was a little overwhelming, and it had Peridot worried. Which was why when their shared free period came around she decided to confront Lapis about it.

What a mistake... she would think later, looking back on it while hiding under her blanket.

When Peridot questioned her best friend about her behavior, the answer had been unabashed and immediate.

"I think we should cut the bullshit, Peri," she had said, an odd look in her ocean blue eyes.

Peridot had been taken aback by this. "W-What do you mean?" she had questioned, nonplussed.

Lapis had taken Peridot's hand and cupped it tightly, pulling her closer. This had made Peridot blush.

"We've been skating around each other for two years now," Lapis explained, a wide smile spreading across her face. "I think it's time we stop this game of cat and mouse and just give in to our feelings, my sweet Peri-baby."

Peridot had stared, stunned into silence. Those words had not just come out of Lapis' mouth!

"I just can't help myself anymore," Lapis went on, reaching out to caress Peridot's already flushed cheek as she spoke, still holding Peridot's hand close to her chest. "Seeing your beautiful face every day... smelling your delicious scent... feeling your skin against mine... it drives me crazy. We're meant to be, and I'm tired of playing these silly games around the fact. It's about time we just be together. You agree, right? Peridot?"

Peridot had finally been able to snap out of her shock-induced trance and, without even thinking about it, pulled away. She almost regretted it, for the look of shock and hurt on Lapis' face stung deep in her heart.

But the words Lapis had just spoken held enough force behind them to push her away.

"Lapis, what are you saying right now?" Peridot had silently gulped. "I-I don't understand what's happening right now...”

"Oh God," Lapis had gasped, covering her mouth. A look of terror crossed her features, as if she were witnessing a murder. "Was I... did I read the signals wrong? You don't... you don't like me, do you?"

"N-No!" Peridot stammered quickly. "I-I didn't say that I just-"

The look of terror had quickly evaporated at Peridot's words, joyful exuberance quickly taking its place as Lapis reached out and took Peridot's hand again.

"So you do love me!" Lapis had interrupted. "I knew it!"

"Wait, what?!" Peridot had sputtered. "L-L-Love?!"

"I love you too, my sweet Peri-baby," Lapis had nearly sung, a look of unmeasurable joy on her face, her smile so wide almost every tooth was showing in her mouth. "I've loved you since that first moment when you complimented my drawings. No one else ever said such nice things to me with such sincerity before. Your beautiful green eyes had captivated me so easily."

"Lapis, wait-"

"I tried to fight it at first, tried to avoid you, hoping these feelings would go away but the moment I gave in... it was nirvana being by your side. I just couldn't get enough of you! You were the sweetest drug, each and every moment we spent together just like the first high. It was never enough, I had to have more and more!"

"Please, just listen to me for a sec-"

"All those nights thinking of you, those sleepovers where I'd watch you sleep all night long; every moment of every day just looking at you... it was painful knowing you weren't mine yet. But I knew you weren't ready, I gave you the space you needed. I waited, but I just can't wait any longer! I can't stand not having you be mine, my darling."

Peridot had felt as if her ears were on literal fire. "L-Lapis!"

Lapis had finally seemed ready to listen, as she dialed back her smile to a more tender one as she leaned forward, intently staring into Peridot's eyes. "Yes, my love?"

"This..." Peridot had coughed, feeling as if someone had a hand clenched tightly around her throat. "This is too much! I-I don't know how to process this!"

Lapis had cooed softly as she ran her thumb over Peridot's knuckles. "It's okay, I know. It's so relieving to me as well, to finally get it all out there! Knowing we can finally be together... there is no greater joy!"

"This is all a joke," Peridot had finally surmised. "Y-You're messing with me!"

The frown on Lapis' face showed her dismay at these words. "What are you saying? I would never mess with you, my sweet Peri-"

"No!" Peridot had yanked her hands away, shame coursing through her. "This isn't funny!"

"Peridot-" Lapis had tried to speak, but she didn't give her the chance. She had quickly turned on her heel and ran in the opposite direction, not daring to look back at the horrified look on Lapis' face.

She hadn't even bothered to go to her locker to retrieve her books before running out of the school and speeding home on her moped to cry her eyes out in her bed. She had spent quite a few hours just lying there, shivering and sobbing, flitting in and out of a restless sleep until finally night came and she ended up right where she was: hair disheveled, fingers twitching, shoulders hunched, and curled into an emotionally compromised blanket cocoon on her bed.

Peridot had cried herself out at least an hour before, feeling like an empty pit that was once a lake; a replay of that conversation running constantly in her mind, each and every time making her feel more and more numb.

Why would Lapis do that to her? Even if she really didn't know beforehand that Peridot had feelings for her, that still was not right. It was just mean! And Lapis had never once been mean like that to her before. Why so suddenly would she play such a cruel prank?

Unless...

What if she hadn't been joking? What if...

"No way," Peridot whispered out loud to herself. "All those things she said, they couldn't be true."

Lapis being in love with her? Watching her sleep? Obsessing over her so intensely? Absolutely ridiculous! Peridot was not that special that someone like Lapis could be so fervently in love with her. It just had to all be a joke. There just wasn't any way!

Peridot pulled her blanket tighter around her, letting the dark thoughts pull her further down the pit of despair. She closed her eyes and just let time pass her by, unaware of how much of it escaped her before a soft knock came at her door.

"Not now mom," Peridot called out hoarsely, knowing instantly who it was. Her mother must have gotten a call about her sudden absence from school and would most likely be worried about her. "I'm not feeling so good."

Despite her protest, her bedroom door opened slowly and she could hear her mother step into the room. Peridot had her back to the door, having preferred to face her window to stare out into the night sky while entrapped in her thoughts, but she could hear the footsteps of someone softly walking towards her bed.

"Mom, please," Peridot tried again, groaning. "I don't feel very well, so I just want to-"

"Is my Peri-baby sick?"

Peridot's blood ran cold at the sound of not her mother's voice but of, "Lapis?!"

Peridot shot straight up from her huddled position on her bed, eyes wide in horror and her mouth open wide in shock as, indeed, Lapis seated herself at the end of her bed, a look of concern in her blue eyes.

"My sweet darling," the blue haired girl gasped upon seeing Peridot's disheveled appearance. "Your eyes are bloodshot and puffy! Have you been crying?"

"H-How did you get into my house?" Peridot ignored her question with one of her own. "Where's my mother? Mom!"

"Hush," Lapis scooted closer to Peridot, unfazed by Peridot's cry for help. "Your mother isn't here right now. It's just the two of us."

Peridot felt her heart sink into her stomach. "W-Where is she?"

"Don't worry about that right now," Lapis waved her hand, dismissing the question. "We need to talk-"

"I am very worried!" Peridot screeched, cutting her off, panic coursing through her. "I am concerned, disconcerted, perturbed, synonyms!"

Lapis giggled loudly, covering her mouth to try and hold it in. "Oh my god! You are so cute when you freak out! You just start throwing out words I barely understand and it makes me smile!"

Peridot felt her face flush at this, suddenly realizing just how close Lapis had scooted towards her.

"Why are you doing this?" Peridot whispered, gripping her alien themed blanket tightly in her fists. "Why are you teasing me like this?"

"I am not teasing you," Lapis answered, her giggle fit ending. She leaned her face closer, to which Peridot responded by pulling back, pressing the back of her head against the wall. "Okay, maybe right now I am a little." She gave a sly grin for a moment, but then pulled it back into a tender expression. "I do have to ask you something, though, my love. Earlier, you said I was messing with you. I've been trying to figure out what you could possibly mean by that. Please, my angel, tell me what you meant."

"What do you mean 'what do I mean'?" Peridot exploded. "All of this... these sweet nicknames, calling me beautiful, telling me you... you love me... it's all obviously a joke! You're pranking me, and it's already gone too far!"

Lapis' tender expression shifted, taking Peridot aback at the sudden intensity on her face. Lapis slammed her hand against the wall next to Peridot's head abruptly, sending a jolt up and down her spine.

"You think I'm lying to you?" Lapis accused, a hard edge to her voice. "You think this is all a joke?"

Peridot suddenly didn't know what to say. Any and all confidence she had of this all being some sort of elaborate prank was dwindling quickly, and very acutely she was realizing the possibility of how dangerous Lapis could actually be.

"Y-Yes?" Peridot finally mustered the courage to answer weakly after a moment of being stared down.

"I love you!" Lapis asserted. "I have loved you since the moment we met! You are all I think of, all I could ever want and more! You are my Goddess in human form, and I worship you religiously, my dear, sweet, confused love. I have done everything I can to make you happy, to keep you close and safe! I tried to force those 'friends' of yours to stay away-"

"You what?!"

"-but they refused to listen, and I wanted so, so badly to make them disappear, but I didn't because I could see they made you smile. And that's all I've ever wanted, for you to smile for me..." Peridot could hear Lapis' nails dragging down the wall next to her head, a sound that made her cringe. "I am in love with you, Peridot. Don't you ever doubt that."

Peridot felt like throwing up. This couldn't be real, couldn't be happening. This was a nightmare - a horrible, horrible nightmare.

Please wake up!

"If you aren't willing to say it back just yet, I understand," Lapis lamented softly, leaning forward to press her forehead against Peridot's. The blonde winced, wanting to pull away but trapped against the wall. She was forced to sit there as Lapis brought herself as close as possible, whispering sweet, yet deranged words into her ear. "I have been very patient, and as much as it pains me I will continue to be so, for you."

Peridot felt tears start to form at the corner of her eyes, gently falling down her cheeks in thick streaks. This was too much, too scary. She felt sick and dizzy and ready to faint. She couldn't handle much more of this.

"Lapis, please..."

"Sssh," Lapis hushed her once again. "It's okay, my love. I will let you rest for now, but I promise I will always be close by to keep you safe. We'll be together soon once you realize our inevitability."

Lapis closed those final few centimeters between them and kissed Peridot on the lips gently, eliciting a mousy whimper from the terrified young girl. When she pulled back, she held a look of pure euphoria, her tongue lashing out to savor the taste of Peridot on her lips.

"I love you, Peri-baby," Lapis said, finally pulling away. "You will see me again tomorrow, I promise. Oh, and don't tell anyone about this, okay? I don't want to have to hurt anyone... again."

And with that, Lapis left the room, a dreamy, crooked smile on her face as she closed the door behind her, never once letting her eyes stray from Peridot for even a second until the door was closed.

Peridot broke down then, her once empty lake now roaring with crashing waves as she spilled new, hot tears.

[rankpup8]

About Jasper

I can’t wait till she returns, so here’s my idea about how that would turn out. I gotta admit most of this is very unlikely, so this is works more like fanfic

Really, these are just notes for my Jaspmuth fanfic that hasn’t been written yet, I wanted to post them

Kinda like a little timeline and figuring out relationships between characters

When Jasper returns she gotta be:

uncorrupted

Learn the value of earth

Learn the value of love

Face lapis

Face her inner demons

Unlearn homeworld ideas

Gain some self steem

Let go of the past

Song is gonna be important, pretty sure that's how Steven is gonna beat corruption. Fight music with music.

I guess that after all the shit she's been through she would stop caring so much about homeworld. Not really treason, she's just tired. Let those crystal gems do whatever they want

("Just... leave me alone")

Amethyst is gonna be a major player in the jasperdemption

She's gonna teach Jasper what she has learnt since the beginning of the show: you are worth more than you think, you are important.

("We're the same! We were both made on Earth, we're both Quartzes, we both have the best hair on the planet..."

Jasper's not amused

"Look, I know we aren't perfect but we don't have to be. If... if every pork chop were perfect we wouldn't have got dogs"

Jasp's confused by the human lingo "But that's what I was made for, that's who I was supposed to be!"

"Yeah, and me too but if I was what Homeworld wanted I wouldn't be me"

Or something like that, but ya know, that makes sense)

Eventually Jasper realizes that she can stop beating herself up over every mistakes she's made. But it takes a long time.

Meanwhile she's living in Steven's house and later on in Amethyst's room as well. The CGs considered sending her to the barn but... bad idea. While dealing with her self worth issues she's also learning to control her emotions because being calm is the key to maintaining an uncorrupted form. If she gets too angry, scared or otherwise agitated the green stars to spread out, spikes form, her arm and then her body starts hurting. It's just bad. So she has to try to stay calm which she managed first by not speaking with anyone and being numb to the world and later talking with Amethyst and Steven (boy taught her Here Comes A Thought). She avoids Pearl and Garnet because bad memories + finding them patronizing/annoying.

[Side note: Pearl and Garnet haven't had to deal with a full quartz warrior in a while, but they are still better at accommodating Jasper because of the experience from the war]

[Jasper is really petty sometimes, Garnet tries to ignore her and after a while Pearl gets tired and just calls her out. Jasper immediately shuts up, who knew a Pearl could have such a commanding tone? Again, dealing with young, new CG quartzes during the rebellion taught her a few tricks, gotta make the big soldiers listen to her somehow]

Jasper still has some of Homeworld's prejudices (who doesn't but Steven and Amethyst?) but if she says something really rude or stupid the CGs will call her out.

Does Jasper like the Earth? Not specially, except for her kindergarten. She will fight you if you dare trash talk it [source of conflict between her and Peri later on, mostly comedic]. She doesn't like water, though watching the ocean is strangely soothing [Do Not get her wet, she Will punch you, redemption or not]

About Lapis. Jasper doesn't wanna talk about it -not even with Amethyst- at this point. It's a big source of shame, not Lapis herself but the fusion. Malachite brings back bad memories, she really just wants to forget it happened. Jasper is kind of scared of Lapis, to a degree; they are both scared of each other and themselves, of what they did and what they felt. It takes a long time for them to interact

[At the beginning when someone brought up something Jasper didn't wanna talk about she just got angry and derailed the conversation, avoiding and forcing the other person to shut up or leave. Low-key threatened them despite the fact that she shouldn't make the CGs angry. Now she just says it, "Don't wanna talk 'bout that", people get it and back off. They are learning each other's boundaries]

When Lapis and Jasper have the much needed talk it’s gonna be awkward and the words won't flow easily but they will say what they need and apologize. They agree to back off, don't cross other's paths. They aren't friends and rarely talk, the one thing they have in common is Peridot.

Jasper isn't sure about how she feels about fusion, but she cannot try it ever again ‘less her fusion partner becomes corrupted as well.

Peridot doesn't know how she feels about Jasper. She resents her a little for the Malachite fiasco but at the same time she understand that it's not only Jasper's fault. At the beginning she's weary around her, doesn't talk much to her, but they are forced to interact and eventually they're relationship returns to coworkers/low-key friends. Peridot likes annoying Jasper and vice versa. Jasper finds Peri's reaction funny. Bonus that if she ever needs something from Lapis she can talk to Peridot. But really they never speak about her. They also don't hang out a lot by themselves, it's usually with Ame or Steven.

Jasper, Amethyst and Steven bond over being Earth made quartzes, result from a war. Jasper teaches Steven some combat moves at one point, gives him some real Quartz advice. Pearl mostly encourages her, she knows she can't teach every aspect of battle to Steven by herself, specially the quartz stuff. Amethyst joins them and she and Steven spar while Jasper is watching. Jasper itches for a fight but in her early stages of healing the movement + intensity wouldn't be good for her. Later down the line they will spar together though.

How does Jasper feel about Rose and her revenge? Well, can't do much about Rose now, and she's learning to let go. Despite coming to understand the reasoning behind the rebellion, she will forever resent her for forcing her and her sisters to fight since the moment they emerged. A good thing Rose isn't around anymore (I'm sorry Rose, I love you but you gotta go).

The Famethyst and the Betas will return. When they do, Jasper is gonna be both shocked and so very happy, she's def gonna cry. But that's not happening yet.

[Quartz headcanons:

Like sleeping

Good stamina

Medium speed

Rowdy (yeah, even Steven)

Stubborn as a mule

Like eating (there's a range, Pearl to Amethyst, most quartzes are closer to Ame)

Like exploring new places

Fast learners of practical abilities

Good reflexes

Strong

Gotta go fast (yeah even Rose and Steven)

Messy bed hair

Cuddle piles

Like small, cool places for curling up in (like holes)

]

[Jasper headcanons:

Likes food, spicy and salty stuff are the best

Furry Earth animals are her favorites

Ends up with a few cats that like hanging around

Likes sleep, but not for too long

Laying in the sun -> best napping position

Likes Lion, he doesn't mind her

Bad at video games but that won't stop her  

Misses her cape

Thinks the wedding in unfamiliar familiar was really unnecessary

Ticklish

Pessimistic humor

]

Jasper will end up respecting Pearl and Garnet a lot more than she will admit.

Connie isn't sure if she trusts Jasper at the beginning, and Jasper doesn't really care for humans. But they become unlikely friends through the power of entertainment: Jasper really likes those fantasy books Connie shows her and Connie likes listening to random anecdotes Jasper has. She really doesn't tell these stories to anyone, but the books brought back some memories and Connie is there to listen, so she tells her about her old missions and the places she went during the last five thousand years. Connie is fascinated.

So things continue like this, Jasper is healing and learning. But she's tired of staying in the temple, it's a really small place that already has people living in it (also Steven misses his privacy).

Enter Bismuth

[mopunkgypsy]

This is my story...

This is my story- this is my breakthrough.

January 20 something I found out I was going to be a mother. Something inside of me change forever and I’m so eternally grateful and I have god to thank. But let me back up a bit and just give you, about a month before that so you can truly see my progress.

It’s took me exactly seven times to leave my abusive narcissistic ex boyfriend. I always read it took that many times before you can leave an abusive relationship and I didn’t believe it because I kept going back and going back but that last time was the seventh and I have never felt more empowered than I do this time around. So for the past three and a half years I left him, I went back because he sweet talked me, i left because he hit/cheated on me, etc. but this last time was so much more different than any other time.

Around thanksgiving of 2018, he left Florida and came all the way to WV to get me to leave with him again. Of course, he told me everything I wanted to hear. That he would get off drugs, and get a job and marry me and start a family with me. And we would grow up and life basic normal lives together. And after almost five months of on again off again contact he convinced me to come with him. So I left my family and friends once again, and went with him. Now again isolated from anyone I loved, no social media allowed and most of all time to confess everything I had done during those five months apart. Interrogation time. He already was constantly asking questions, who did you fuck? Where have you been? How many times did you go out? So of course I knew I had to answer them because I knew how he was and how he would act and it was just easier to cooperate. So as I told little details here and there, he accepted them and we took it day by day. I mean, we were not together we were broken up for five months. I honestly felt like it wasn’t a concern of what I did or didn’t do while we were broken up. We were BROKEN. UP. But as time went on, (three days of being together) and him raiding my phone completely. We got into our first bad argument. Him throwing shit at me, threatening me, telling me to leave and go live on the streets.

The fight gets resolved somehow so we leave WV and go to Virginia where we stay with his cousin.

For about two weeks, everything was perfect. He was being so sweet, thoughtful, caring. Constantly telling me how beautiful I was and how bad he was ready to marry me, right then and there. We were going to get jobs and get on our feet for-real and by April we were planning on moving back to Atlanta. I quickly found a job waiting tables at an O’Charleys right down the street so I could walk there from where we were staying. After I started working, things quickly got bad again.

Right before I started work he and I got into it because some stuff came out about me hanging out with some guy when we were broken up and I didn’t tell him all of the details. So he took my phone from me and disappeared for hours. He claimed he was “writing down a bunch of questions for me to answer” to see if our relationship could make it through my lies. All while, he took my phone and popped out the SIM card and completely reformatted it to be all his. Deleted all my music, pictures, contacts- all of it. I now had no pictures of my family or friends or my pets. So I now truly didn’t have shit but him. And told me that if I tried to take it back he had a witness- his cousin would vouch for him that he gave me 300 dollars for the phone. So I was struck. I now had no phone. So now he had a phone, which he was now on constantly. On social media doing god knows what because he was very sketchy with the phone and I just had to lay there beside him, angry and used. Once I started going to work regularly, it really started to get bad.

Why? You might ask why as soon as you start working? Well it’s simple, I was around other people, normal people. Other men, normal men. And I am not an ugly and ill personality woman. People liked me- and he knew that and hated that.

Everyday I came home he interrogated me. Who’d you talk to? What’d they say? Did you flirt with people? How many guys talked to you? Do you think any of them look better than me? And of course he only asked these questions because “I am such a slut and I make him insecure”

It didn’t take long for him to start hitting me again, maybe by week three? It was over something stupid like he elbowed me because I wouldn’t scoot over in the bed and he elbowed me back and we got into a fight. He kicked me out of the bed and immediately sat on top of me with his knees on my arms and his hands free to hit me and cover my mouth. I remember this time as he had my mouth covered after he hit me a few times he was whispering in my ear fucked up stuff like, “I really don’t love you, I only use you because you always come back” “you’re so fat and uglier now” “I wish you were just dead and out of my life” “no one else can deal with your crazy ass self, only me” “if I could get away with it, I’d kill you with my bare hands”

As I lay there crying in silence and hardly breathing from him pressing his hands around my mouth and nose so tightly I just pray that god does just let him kill me so it’s all over. But he doesn’t, he lets go of my mouth and I remain silent. He slowly leans over me and whispers he didn’t mean any of that he was just angry and trying to hurt me. He picks me up and lays me in bed, he gets in beside me and puts his arms around me. He kisses my forehead and tells me to stop crying and go to sleep. So I did, but I cried myself to sleep just praying to god makes this all just go away.

Not long after that, the fights continued. He would do this thing where he would fuck with you, fuck with you, fuck with you, until you completely lose your shit and are screaming and crying and trying to run away from him. But he wouldn’t let you he’d stand in front of you and move every way you moved, grab you and push you, laugh in your face when you would scream or try to defend yourself and then he would video tape you. He’d pull out his phone and start video taping you “being crazy” so he could “show you later” it was so demeaning and it only made you more angry. Like YOU pushed me to this point and now YOU are going to act calm and video me spazzing? It was insane. I remember that night clearly. I sat in the pouring rain in the middle of December crying and just begging god to help me. But nothing, just the rain poured down harder and I felt so numb I didn’t know anything anymore.

All during this time he was constantly telling me how disgusting I was. How bad my pussy stank. How “beat up” my pussy looked from being such a whore. How bad my hair and face looked. How fat I had become. “If you’d just lose some weight, go tanning and stop being such a whore I might want to fuck you again” this was constant every time we had sex.

Then the real storm came. Some guy I had had sex with while we were broken up messaged me on Facebook and of course he responded back (because had all my social media accounts logged into his phone) I also had bought a new phone with my work money. So we got the message around the same time and all I could do was sit across the other side of the room and watch the conversation unfold. Of course he got the other guy to give all the lovely details of us having sex and that was it. Hell came that day. Two days before Christmas. He didn’t speak to me for a day, and slept in the floor. I went and got wasted that same night and we got into a bad fight. He broke my brand new back pack and brand new winter coat. And bruised my face. But not too bad, because he knew I needed to go to work. But after 14days of working straight I got work to give me Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off. We were supposed to go WV to see his family for Christmas but his dope head cousin disappeared on us and left us stranded in Virginia. I spent my 2018 Christmas getting beat up. I was bruised from head to toe. He took my phone from me and because I asked for it back he threw it at a wall and busted it and then he held me down and punched me in the legs as hard as he could until I couldn’t even more anymore. I laid in bed for two days straight not knowing when he was going to start hitting me and calling me a whore again.

Right after Christmas his cousin came back and brought his baby mom. They got us all kicked out of place we were staying because she OD twice within thirty minutes so we had to go to an extended stay a couple miles down the road. Once we got there I was paying for the room every night. I was paying for the food for everyone to eat. I was the only one who had a job because his cousin got fired. And my ex never got a job like he promised. So I was doing everything. All while they did dope. I was working so we all had a place to sleep and shower.

A small incident happened at a gas station down the road he got mad at me for walking away from him and threw milk at me and was screaming at me in front of everyone at the gas station just calling me stupid. Of course people saw and told me I didn’t need to deal with that but because of him I felt like for some reason I did deserve it. It was my fault he was so angry at me because I lied about what I did when we were broken up. Is, what i said to myself over and over in my head. I felt so alone again. We decided to part ways with his cousin and go get our own hotel closer to my job so I could walk there because we couldn’t rely on his cousin for rides anymore and I couldn’t afford a taxi everyday.

So we get to a hotel closer to my job. It didn’t take but a week or two there for me to start feeling different. I had started feeling so sick. I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed. I would feel so nauseous even moving around. And my boobs constantly were hurting. And I was having to pee all the time. And I kept sneezing and couldn’t stop. I had no idea what was going on until I thought about- I missed my period.

I came home from work one night and I had an old pregnancy test in my purse. I told my ex that I was going to take it because I missed my period. I took a deep breath and peed on the stick. It happened immediately- two little blue lines right there looking right back at me.

I was in shock. There’s no way I am pregnant. My doctor told me I couldn’t get pregnant. My boyfriend used to do steroids and always said he was sterile there’s no way. I came out of the bathroom sobbing and he took the stick from me. He was weirdly, excited? I said fuck that we are going to the store I need more tests. I got two more boxes and took all of them. And they all did the exact same thing. He immediately got on the phone. Called his friends and his mom and told them all I was pregnant. I just lay in bed, numb. Of course part of me thought, wow he will change now. We can finally have the family we wanted. He’s going to marry me. He’s going to treat me so good now. But I was so so wrong.

I thought of abortion of course but I didn’t know how far a long I was. The next day I went to the hospital for confirmation and they informed me I was about four weeks pregnant. My heart sank, I knew the baby had a heartbeat. I knew that it was too late, I couldn’t get an abortion I would feel so guilty. It didn’t take long for my ex to use this to his advantage- to get to Atlanta quicker. He used this as an excuse for us to go stay with his mom. She reluctantly agreed and I knew it was only because of me and the baby. He let me call my mom for the first time and I told her the news. She cried and begged me to be safe. I told her I would stay in contact the best I could.

We took a greyhound to Atlanta two days after I found out I was pregnant. I was so so sick. I have never been so sick. It already was starting, I was already starting to see my boyfriend for who he really was and who he had always been since I met him- an evil monster.

He didn’t care what I was going through. He didn’t care I was terrified, I was sick, I was alone all he did was taunt me. I asked him to use the last of our money to get me some crackers, he got a honey bun instead and I could eat it without throwing up. So I didn’t eat for almost 24 hours. While on the bus, he was being so so mean to me. Just talking shit and calling me names. Saying how over dramatic I was being about being pregnant and how big of a baby I was. I started crying and he just kept whispering in my ear as I cried looking out the window “cry baby cunt, cry baby cunt” just over and over and over until I couldn’t take it anymore and punched him right in the nose. He finally left me alone for the rest of the trip. For the next couple of days actually.

He had me sleeping on his moms couch, sick, in pain, alone and depressed. It didn’t take but a week for him to hit me. Over what? I don’t even remember. We had went out looking for jobs and I was still sick to my stomach. I remember that day I did my hair and make up and put on a nice outfit and he said “wow I forgot how hot you can look” but that didn’t last long. We were in the living room and got into a fight about how he was being so shitty and I felt so alone in this pregnancy already. I was screaming and crying and hyperventilating because of him and he grabbed me and jerked me back as I tried to walk away and I turned around and smacked him. He picked me up by my throat, threw me in the couch, put his knee in my stomach and punched me until my lip was busted. My white shirt was covered in blood and we were watching his little brother while his mom was at work- he came out because he heard loud noises and all my ex did was throw a blanket at me and tell me to “hurry and clean myself up.” After I went into the bathroom and did just that, I went into the back room where I knew the door could lock. I locked the door and laid in the floor and cried in silence for an hour. He came and knocked a few times demanding I let him in and I didn’t respond. That only made him more angry- he picked the lock and came inside and immediately started kicking me as I laid in the floor. “You got me fucked up thinking you can lock me out of a room in my own house you dumb bitch” I responded with this isn’t even your house and that only made him more mad. He got on top of me, sitting on my stomach once again, and began jamming my face repeatedly into the floor. He jerked me up by my arm and forced me to go into the living room and watch tv with him. That was strike one.

Things began to change after that incident. I couldn’t believe he would do be like that knowing I was sick and in pain and PREGNANT with our child. It baffled me. After that however, he really was kissing my ass. Bringing me food constantly, trying to rub my feet, being all lovey and kissey and trying to hold me all the time. But it really didn’t last too long.

We finally got an air mattress and were sleeping in our own room with a door and not in the living room. We started having sex again here and there of course. But I was still a gross whore remind you, and that baby probably wasn’t even his because I’m such a slut.

One night I wanted something from the store so we went to Kroger. We got into a fight about money and as we were pulling into the garage he said I was being such a cunt and that he should beat the fuck out of me for it. I got out of the car and said oh ok you’re going to just keep beating up on a pregnant woman ok do it then. And he came running around the car and pushed me as hard as he could. I remained calm and tried to get the bags out of the car, that’s when he slammed me shut into the door while calling me a few names so I smacked him in the face. But that only makes him hit me harder. He punched me in the face so hard my glasses flew off my face, he picked me up and threw me on the ground and then stormed inside. I lay there for only a few seconds before he came back outside and picked up my glass and picked me up and tried to be nice. His mom came outside and said what is going on. Of course he said, “I hit her because she hit me first!” I just stormed past the both of them into the back room and locked the door and laid there crying. I didn’t leave the room for almost two days. I laid there praying for god to just give me a miscarriage from him hitting me. So then I could just leave and have nothing of him. I prayed that he just take me and my child off this earth. But, nothing happened. That was strike two.

He didn’t come in the room either. His mom finally asked me to unlock the door so I did and of course he immediately came inside. We sat on the air mattress and I told him that I did not want to be with him anymore. He began gaslighting me saying that I had a fucked up perception of reality on what really went down and I just kept saying no I know what happened. No matter how long he laughed at me or called me stupid and dumb I knew what happened and I wasn’t going to let him make me doubt myself. I finally told him that I was leaving and I didn’t ever want him around me or my child. Well, guess what? Another reason to hit me. I tried getting up off the bed but he grabbed me by the hair and threw me back. He mounted on top of me with his knees on my arms, butt on my stomach and his hands free. He began hitting me as hard as he could in the side of my head. Left side, right side, left side, right side, until he stopped for just enough time for me to scream. He immediately covered my mouth so I couldn’t breathe. His mom came busting in the door and demanded he get off me but he wouldn’t. So she threatened to call the cops and that’s when he decided he would get off, but not before he spit in my face. His reasonings this time were “she said I couldn’t see my kid” This was strike three.

After that something in me changed. I began to look at him completely different. I saw all his flaws. His nose breathe didn’t smell good anymore. His touch made me sick. His body smelled like hate. His voice made me cringe. When I knew he came home from work I would get sick to my stomach and immediately become on pins and needles with anxiety. I began planning my escape. During the time I was locked in the room he left my old phone in there on accident. I kept it, hid it and made it mine again. I kept it hidden for weeks and began communicating with my family again. I began talking to anon ppl in domestic violence hotlines. I began doing a lot of research. On shelters, therapists and just anything I could to help me. I kept it all a secret and just played nice.

Until I found out he had cheated on me in Virginia. The first week of January he was snap chatting other girls naked pictures, talking about sex- all while I was working so he had a place to sleep and food to eat that’s what he was doing to “get back at me” for being such a whore when we were broken up. After I found this out I told him I was leaving him. He did everything he could to try and get me to stay and I prayed and prayed for god to give me a reason to stay but all he did was continue to show me that I should leave. He began to stop talking to me before work or after. He wouldn’t come to bed until 3am most nights. And he got his own cell phone. I caught him watching porn and after that he began to sleep with his phone in his pocket. I knew he was cheating on me but he wouldn’t ever answer my questions so I quit trying. I quit talking to him, I quit acknowledging him. We slept back to back up until the day I left. The Friday before I left he went on a date with another girl from work. And admitted it all to me on Saturday and I left on Sunday.

He even had the balls to cry and beg me not to leave. Said he didn’t understand why I always left. That he was going to miss me and our baby so much. But then admitted to fucking another girl and then crawling into bed with me the same night. And his reasoning? “Well you said you were leaving anyways so what does it matter?” An absolute joke. As he told me everything and laughed in my face as I cried about it. I slept alone my last night in Atlanta. He tried to tell me goodbye and I didn’t say a single word to him. My mom finally arrived to get me and I left.

So here I am. Three weeks later telling my story. This was just the last time I went back-this abusive narcissistic person did this to me for three and half years. This was just during the beginning of my pregnancy. I knew I needed to leave because if he would treat me so bad, do me so dirty and hit me with a baby in my belly he would do it all with the baby around. Or worse, hurt my baby. And I could not let that happen. I could not be responsible for keeping my innocent child in such a dangerous environment. So I grew the biggest set of balls, bigger than my ex had, and I picked myself up and I walked away and I haven’t looked back.

I cry and I hurt and I ask a thousand questions I know I’ll never get the answer to. But day by day I’m learning to stop worrying over these unanswered questions. To stop wondering why I wasn’t enough for this person, to whom I gave my entire heart and soul to. Because it’s not my fault. It’s him. He is a narcissist. An abuser. An energy vampire. A sociopath. And people like that do not know how to truly love someone else, because they hate themselves. I’m educating myself on people like this and the more I do the scarier it becomes. Because he truly fits all the characteristics. All the fucked up things he’d say and do. The manipulation. The gaslighting. The cheating. The lying. The love bombing. The promises. It all makes sense now. It’s still so hard to accept because my love for this person was real. But the thing is that person wasn’t real. It was an image. A hat he could put on and take off, just for me. The person I essentially fell in love with was, myself. Because he mimicked the things I liked, or he listened to my fantasies and made them reality. It was all just a reflection of what I wanted and who I was, because he was only reflecting back my good qualities and wants back to myself to snare me. That was all just to cover up who he truly was- a vicious, abusive, empty shell that needs constant sustenance, support and domination to exist and thrive.

But he isn’t going to use me for that anymore and he damn sure isn’t going to use my baby. God gave me this child to save myself, otherwise I would have continued to go back and forth until he eventually did kill me. And that was not in my story. I have a healthy baby boy inside of me and he is going to be so so loved. I know he will meet his father one day but I know that he will see right through him. God gave me a son and my saving grace.